Things don't always go our way, do they? Whether it's getting rejected by a potential romantic partner, not getting a job we applied for, or failing to achieve a goal - life is full of setbacks.

 

Whether it's by a potential romantic partner, a job we're interested in, or a friend or family member - we've all experienced rejection. It happens to the best of us. This is often accompanied by anger, resentment, or negative feelings about our own value.

 

Sometimes these can be life-changing or hit us in bunches in a short time, and the emotional impact can feel devastating. Throughout my life I've found a couple of mindsets which I've discovered really help to keep steady, resilient, and even positive in the face of all that life can throw at you.

 

----------

 

An appreciative, glass half-full mindset

 

To illustrate this mindset, we'll consider an example where a potential romantic partner elects not to continue seeing you after a few dates. Let's take a step back and look at how we got here. The other person had to have actually chosen you at several steps - they may have swiped right on you, exchanged messages with you, agreed to go on a date with you, met with you, decided to keep chatting with you and see you again, and so on. To get to the point where they chose another path, they chose YOU several times first! That person accepted you to be a part of the only life they'll ever live. 99.99999999% of people (give or take) will never get that far with this person.  In monogamous relationships, dating works as a funnel that can only end with one person for each of us - it's normal and expected for there to be a lot of rejection along this path. Ultimately, you want to be with someone that chooses you at every juncture anyway - someone not wanting you to be *the one* for them is not a slight, and it's reason enough for you to want to be with someone does.

 

A similar thought process works for other types of rejection too - for example, in job interviews, your resume may have been a green light from a recruiter or hiring manager, you may have passed a phone screen, and then multiple rounds of interviews. Not getting the job after all that is painful, but it's a good sign that you made it that far. You gained valuable experience, which you will use to do better next time. You were given time, consideration, and validation by making it through that many rounds. You will pass many more rounds of interviews, another organization will say yes, you will be ok.

 

Now that we're in this appreciative mindset, what do we do? We handle the situation with grace. We thank whoever we're parting ways with for everything, and we mean that genuinely. We make it clear that we understand, that we don't take it personally, and that we'll be ok.

 

Showing them that you understand and don't take it personally has many benefits. It helps with your own framing as someone with your own value. Value that doesn't depend on how others feel. You'll feel better about yourself. It will also make the other person feel better - about themselves, about you, and there's a good chance it'll improve their opinion of you. As you go through life, doing this will project positive energy onto those around you, and karma will find its way back to you.

 

We want the ability to reject others too, and being in that position can be hard. The rejecting party will appreciate you handling the situation with grace - rejecting people is difficult, and they likely don't want to cause you harm. In the odd case that someone does want to hurt you, showing that you're ok prevents them from having that satisfaction. Basically, it's almost always the best thing to do in these situations.

 

This can also be helpful in the other direction when you're the one letting people go. If you frame things in such a way that highlights all of the positive things they mean to you, it can soften the blow. Knowing that they do have meaning to you even though you've chosen to go in another direction will make them feel better about themselves, and about you, and it could help facilitate future harmony between you.

 

This mindset has had direct, major positive affects on my own life. For my first year out of college, I was passed over for a non-profit job. I chose to be grateful for their consideration, to thank them for taking the time to get to know me, and for teaching me about their mission. I asked for feedback that I could take away to do better next time. What ended up happening was that one of the people they chose dropped out of the role, and I got the call to step in. They said that they were impressed with my responses during and after the interview process, and those put me in the position to take advantage of the opportunity. That ended up being my first job post-graduation.

 

Another example - once I was dating a girl who I started to fall for in a big way about a month in seeing each other. We'd just spent some quality time together one weekend, and I followed up the next day with some ideas for our next date. In her reply, she told me that she had to step away from seeing me to focus on someone else. This wasn't fun for me to hear, but after giving those negative feelings bit of time to settle, I replied saying that I was happy for her. I said that it was exciting that she found someone to potentially date seriously, that she was awesome, and that whoever she chose was a lucky guy. I said I'd be happy to stay friends, which she was happy with too - she invited me to a party a few weeks later where we shared space as friends and had a great time. Then, about 6 weeks later, she reached back out, asking if I'd be interested in getting together for a drink. It turned out that she stopped seeing me to get back with her ex, which ultimately didn't work out. She expressed being impressed with how I handled that situation and with how secure I was. We dated again, and she became my girlfriend.

 

Not every situation will play out in these ways. Usually, when you don't get a job, you don't get a call back. Normally, when someone pulls away from dating you, they won't come back, and you shouldn't expect or hope for them to. Even before these events swung back in my favor, this mindset helped to keep a positive and happy state of mind - it still would have been the right thing to do. And keeping this mindset throughout life may just set you up for a few extra wins like this too.

 

A quick addition note - sometimes you're rejected right away, you don't have as many incremental wins or as much experience gain, and it can be hard to find the silver lining. In these case of these faster disappointments, however, you probably aren't and definitely shouldn't be as invested anyway. You were rejected shortly after meeting someone or didn't hear back from a job application - who cares! On to the next.

 

The funny thing about early rejections is that they really don't say much about us at all. We may feel them personally, but they're the farthest thing from personal - the person doing the rejection doesn't even know you yet. Real rejections happen when someone has gotten to know us for a while. Early rejections are superficial, and we should try to shake them off as such.

 

Remembering to think of all the rounds of being chosen before being rejected has a similar effect to practicing gratitude - it helps to feel and re-live good things that happen to you. It helps to not take them for granted, to see the good along with the bad. See my post on mental wellness analogies from analytics for a similar concept.

 

----------

 

One door closing means another is opening

 

You can think of this mindset as another glass half-full variation. I'll illustrate this with an experience from my life.

 

In college, I was a math major - I was passionate about this course of study, and it was my goal to go to grad school, get a PhD in mathematics, and become a professional in academia. I had a plan in place to take a role at my college after graduation working in the math department that would allow me to take more classes, do more research, and get better prepared to apply to grad school. The department - and school more broadly - encountered some financial challenges around that time. In the spring before graduation, the position I had lined up was dissolved, and my plan for the following year fell through. I didn't have a job or plan, I hadn't taken any of the required GREs, and I hadn't taken the quantity of math classes that grad schools would want - my plan relied on the 5th year internship to be effective.

 

I ended up in the non-profit role I mentioned earlier with a great organization, which I did for a year. I studied for and took the GRE general and math tests. I still didn't have the coursework that grad schools would want to see, but I couldn't control that now. I applied to grad schools. I could have applied to more - in fact I should have, because I didn't get in to any. I'd spend the last 5 years angling towards this goal, and it looked like I was failing. I was devastated - I saw this as part of who I was, and this was the only story I had imagined for my life. This rejection was one of the most painful times of my life, and it ended up being one of the best things that ever happened to me.

 

I ended up getting a job in a software company, which paved the way for a long career in tech. I've been in roles in support, management, business intelligence, and software engineering. Along the way, I saw my friends going through grad school and learned more about what a PhD program and a career as a professor would entail. Much of the time my grad school friends were miserable - overworked and underpaid, questioning their decisions. Many of them didn't make it through their programs and joined jobs in industry. Several who did finish their programs ended up in the software industry anyway - some even got all the way into their roles as professors before transitioning into roles that were not far away from the role I started my career in.

 

Meanwhile, I discovered that I was doing something I enjoyed with plenty of challenges and exciting room for growth. I was able to pay for a life I loved and save money along the way. My non-profit work taught me that I probably would not have enjoyed the teaching side of academia. Seeing my grad school friends go through an experience I would have struggled in, I felt like I dodged a bullet.

 

I'm not saying that grad school and academia is a bad path. But there are challenges that I wasn't adequately seeing back then. I see now in a way I couldn't see then, that grad school wasn't the right path for me. Not getting into grad school ended up being one of the best things that ever happened to me.

 

Being denied an opportunity means you have been gifted other things - freedom, time, and opportunity. Any time you encounter a setback, there are many possible paths for you to take. Some of those will be the happy paths. Some will be happier even than if you hadn't encountered the setback. If a setback like this happens, ask yourself - how could this end up being one of the best thing to ever happen in my life?

 

For example, if you've been fired or laid off - this may be the opportunity to find an even better job. Or go to school and learn the skills needed for a different career. This could end up being something you needed to happen - the path to something better that you never would have taken if you hadn't been ejected from a comfortable situation.

 

Getting rejected or missing an opportunity won't always work out to something so obviously positive like this. But any time there is a setback, there are many possible paths for you to take - some of those will be the happy paths. Some will be happier even than if you hadn't encountered the setback. The best thing you can do is to not dwell on what's been lost and focus on pursuing the best possible outcomes still in front of you.

 

You find it difficult to adopt these mindsets genuinely - maybe anxiety, insecurity, stress, or fear get in the way too much. It may not happen over night, but just know that it is possible to get there, even if these feelings stand in the way at first. I know that it's possible - I did so myself. These things take time and practice, and need to be part of an overall lifecycle of positivity and abundance. Mindsets aren't something we can just turn on and have them stick - they're influenced by our life events, genetics, surrounding influences, and habits. It takes practice and time to steer them in a particular direction. Make the decision that this is what you want to do, be persistent and patient, and you will achieve it.

 

----------

 

For any disappointing situation, you can always take inventory of all of the positive things that came out of the experience. You can appreciate that life set you up for the opportunity, that you made it as far as you did, that you have new experience to draw from. See setbacks not just as negative obstacles - see them as opportunities to learn, get better, and grow stronger.

 

As you place your focus on the positive, also focus away from the setback & on the path ahead. Focus not on closed doors, but on all the unopened ones. Focus on the your own value, unrelated to the situation that didn't work out. Turn your thoughts to other opportunities and future paths - parts of your life which may yet be realized. Do these things, and you will be set up to make the best of the worst events in your life.

 

These two approaches - appreciation for what you've gained and excitement for what's ahead - work together to create a resilient system for handling life's setbacks. With practice, these ways of thinking become automatic, turning you into someone who bounces back faster and approaches new opportunities with confidence rather than fear.