Everyone loaves bread! These crumbly sandwich handles have been making us more full than we want to be before the main course arrives for billions of years. And what a variety of bread we have in the world today! With thousands of bread varieties being invented in bread labs every day across the world, it's become harder than ever to keep track of all of them and the order in which we prefer them.

It is with this challenge in mind that I bring you this bread list - a ranking of 10 breads, by an actual bread person! Now I know what you're thinking - "aNOTHer bread list?? Ugh, there's so many of these already!"

And you're right. Anyway! Bready or not, here we crumb - onto the breads...

1 - Sourdough

This one is a favorite of hipsters trying their hand at homemade bread (aka yeastyle rappers) - and with good reason! The perfect lightweight bread, with just a little sour edge. Excellent with butter. Satisfying to knife through with a bread knife (you really feel like some sort of super saw-wielding lumberjack). And most deliciously of all, it's receptive to moisture from your various sandwich fillings and fixings, which gives your sandwiches that integration we all strive for as we design and prepare our lunches.

Foreseeing little in the way of potential controversy, let's crown sourdough the greatest bread of all time and move swiftly on.

2 - Rye Bread

A-hah - you thought this would be #1 didn't you! Actually, probably not, since we just did number 1 before. Oh well - I still bet the relative ordering of these two is a surprise, so... gotcha!

As you recover from being so savagely gotten (take your time - it's a good getting you just got), I'll drop upon thou a hot fresh science fact about why this bread is hither rather than thither upon this humble listicle.

Rye bread doesn't taste as good as sourdough. This is painful to admit, but let's be real. be honest with yourself. Look inside your heart. You know this to be true.

And though nary a day goes bary (?) that I don't shake my fist at sourdough in envy of its top spot, I do take solace in the fact that its substance, texture, health benefits, and sandwich utility (where my reuben gang at?) land it easily in second place among breads all time. So it's basically the Michael Jordan of breads, which ain't bad.

3 - Focaccia

Focaccia rounds out our top three. Known as the Robert De Niro of breads, this is one of the greatest Italian American crime film actors of all time. Or something - my mind wandered a bit mid sentence.

Either light and fluffy or thick and not fluffy, depending on who you ask (Greg, I don't know where that focaccia you were talking about is from - I think you were dealt a bad batch), this bread is kept interesting by the dusting of herb confetti all over its bready surface.

Noteworthiest of all is that this bread is an underrated sandwich shell, as well as being a snack all on its own. If you're a muffuletta virgin - it is strongly recommended that you get that changed. I know a guy & can hook you up - just send me a message on the contact form with the subject line "MUFFALETTA" in all caps. Have bitcoin ready.

4 - Baguette

Rarely is a bread so intertwined in the identity of a sovereign nation. You may be thinking "what about bagels & New York? Or naan & India?", but au contraire mon frère - no other place loves their bread unit like the French love these crusty yeast rods.

That's why you'll find the outline of a baguette everywhere from French passports, to French military uniform lapel pins, to being tattooed across Jean-Luc Godard's lower back (those are all true - look them up (but not on Google - there you will find only lies)).

This bread tastes délicieux, is reasonably versatieux (although not thicc enough to enclose a proper sandweux), and it can be used as a weapon in a pinch. That's why it's in this precise spot in this particular bread list.

5 - Injera

Oh, you've never heard of this one? Don't worry - the spongy pleasure of this one has traditionally been the domain of high-level bread enthusiasts. Also Ethiopians, since it's their bread.

This bread's biggest selling point is its squishy & spongy consistency. If you've had several drinks on your annual Adwa victory day celebration while you rumble through the streets of Gondar (we've all been there, eh lads?) you'll delight in the pleasure of flinging a spongiform biscuit disc of injera at passing cyclists. Don't act like you've never done this.

This bread is absorbent, delicious, and fun - the only thing keeping it from being higher on the list is that it triggers that fear of clustered holes we all have. It trips up the trypophobia, if you will. Proceed with caution.

6 - Naan

Ah yes naan! That's right, everyone's favorite bubbly bap sheets, back at it again. Invented by Jan van Naan in 1999, this bread's greatest achievement is somehow complimenting oily curry dishes with even more oiliness.

Some have raised suspicions about Naan bread's greasy nature possibly indicating that it's up to no good - that it's really nothing but an oily front for something much more sinister. So proceed with caution. But with a smile to make it less obvious. No, a bigger smile than that - give me Joaquin Phoenix's Joker in the mirror. Get your fingers involved if you have to. But remember to be suspicious - so keep that brow furrowed. Maybe flare the nostrils a little bit.

Nooow you're ready - here's your garlic naan.

7 - White bread

Staple bread, this one. Holds sandwiches together honorably. But it's way too overplayed in our diets today - especially white boi diets. You'd think it's the greatest thing since sliced bread! *pause for laughter*

*continue pausing, looking at watch, impatiently waiting for uproarious laughter to subside*

But alas. It's just. A default. So vanilla. So very "white bread" if you will.

A good measure of the goodness of a bread is whether - if you called someone by the bread's name - it would be taken as an insult or as a compliment. Imagine crossing the street and hearing someone drive by shouting "hey white bread!" with their windows rolled down. You'd be suitably intimidated. Not complimented.

On the other hand - "Hey Rye Bread!", "Hey you - sourdough!", and "Yo Focaccia" ring through as expressions of endearment and admiration. "White bread" - not so much.

8 - Pita

Ohhh pita. Why are you so "meh"? Not a bread you love or hate - like a date where you just don't feel a spark. Expectations are not very high for pita and it manages to juuust about meet them. Let's not dwell on this flat (literally) bread any longer than we have to as it's bumming me out.

9 - Tiger bread

Psh. PSSSHHHH...psh. I only heard about this bread in the Spring of 2020, so I assume it's some sort of lazy attempt at latching on to the branded popularity of Tiger King. I've never actually had it. I think there's fruit in it? Hm.

Anyway, tiger bread has been showing off an obnoxious level of confidence in our society today, which I - as another bread, who is both unbiased and completely unthreatened by this one - feel is misplaced and unearned. Hence why I found a cozy spot down down near the bottom of this list to bring tiger bread down several notches. Got eem.

10 - Cornbread

Please. Are you even trying? It's not even that cornbread is bad. It's just not bread. It's just a non-bread, trying to achieve the hallowed prestige associated with bread by desperately latching on to the bread name. Should just be called "corn...units" or "corn rectangles" or something. Not my job to come up with a better name. I'm just here to rank breads. And potentially pursue legal action against cornbread. And this butt-ass bread gets our #10 spot.

Anyone know how I can get in touch with the legal estate of corn "bread"?

11 - Pumpernickel

What's this? We've already done 10 breads, and yet here's another? That's right - it's a BoOoOnUuUsSs B-b-brrrEAeaEaDd!!! And boy oh boy is this one just...against nature.

Also known as "the 9/11 of breads" there's a reason you can't leave your house without overhearing the townsfolk saying "if coronavirus was a bread, it would be this". Originally devised by the Germans during World War 1.5 (the straight to DVD Christmas special between the real big budget wars) as a (ultimately successful) way to negatively impact allied morale, this bread has been eaten and exported by Germans primarily as an expression of sarcasm ever since. "Hah, wöuldn't it be hilariöus if I ate this bread? Look, löök I'm actually döing it"!

This bread is tough, dry, uninteresting, and an actual war crime. If you value your life and well being, you'll steer real clear of this here bread.

And that's our breads! Any bread opinions here that differ from yours? Fight it out in the comments below. Thanks for reading!